Its that time of year again here at Snakeoil

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Its that time of year again here at Snakeoil Empty Its that time of year again here at Snakeoil

Post by Wallace on Fri Nov 13, 2015 3:33 am

Yessir!

A Cockswell Inn/ Firkham hall annual tradition.
The reading of Wallace's brill:


Tale o' th' Knackerid Jim Carner Pony an' th' Dodgy Tombola (a "conte cruel")

(I should explain to our non-brit friends just wot a "tombola" is.
At outdoor fetes or amusements back in 60s and earlier and today as well they would have a prize draw. The tombola is a wooden, small barrel-ish thingy on a stand. There is a hatch on the barrel and a crank makes it go round and round, thus mixing up the numbered pieces of paper inside. A draw is then made for the prize.

A Jim Carner is a fete with amusement rides.


So here we have it then, PART ONE:





Jim Carna pony wor feelin reet li' roobbish.
Yon crewel villidge bairns 'ed ridden 'im 'ard orl th' live-long daay 'n 'e wor abaht ready fert knacker's yard.

Th' onny thin 'a' kept th' puir beast goin' wor shea ANGAH a' 'is stayshun i' loife 'n our Thomas Cobbley 'n orl i' general.

Jim Carna pony decidit ta tek it orl art ont' wooden tomboleur wha' nivva done 'im neya rong.
"Ah'rm gonneur drag uz sen up ta 'a' theear tomboleur 'n blow uz load o' steam-jhizzz reet int 'is mouf!", though th' Jim Carna pony , wif eur wickit grin.

Nou our lad Tomboleur 'ed bin avin eur gran' day watchin th' steam jannock, an' as th' sun wor settin, Tomboleur felt orl a' 'un wi' loife 'n wor abaht ter settle intoa eur restful kip, when 'e caught seight o' th' Jim Carna pony comin 'is waay.

"Oh fokk!" 'e sez ala 'n 'is wooden dooahr began ta tremble.

'im wor sae pretoorbit tha' 'im fergort tha' - 'ow'im wor stake-it ter grund an' possessit neya feets persay - 'im couldnae RUN.

"Muvver phffokker!" , 'im cried oot, cwappin' splinters.
Wallace
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Post by Wallace on Fri Nov 13, 2015 3:39 am

Naw, persons readin dis lahl tale juist meight, a' dis point, av less ta simpaffsoize wif whan comes ta th' tomboleur drum seein' 'a th' title o' dis post refers ter tomboleur as bein' "dodgy".

Why so?
Ah'll tell yew: one day Tombolla caught win' o' fact theur prize fa nex' fair's draw 'ood be eur quart bottul o' 'igh-grade 100% chinawood finishin oil!

'im wor resolvid ta git it - by unfairest means porrsibool.

Eweraybudday kens thart an animatid tomboleur drum iss noarts allowit ta participates innae gem, since arftah awl, by revolverin', its purpose iss ta mix-oop th' wee wooden "tombolini" numbah squares. Goes wiyaa' sayin' tomboleur drum is major pairt o' th' prochess an' therefor noarts allowid ta arcterallay participate i' th' draw.

So's it wor needful thart our lad Tombola 'uv an arcomplice.
Nou th' perfick arcomplice wuld 'uv ta be th' barrel organist's monkay, Mitch.
Ter mek awl porrsibilitay o' 'ooman-cheyteray bein' nil innae draw o' dis sooart, it 'a'ed becum custommary thart th' draw be made by beast,nay 'ooman.
Fer th' larst few yahres dis wor th' joab o' Mitch.

So's dis iss 'ow th' tweur rascawls did it den: dems faan' oot wot numbahs wor oan card wot Tombola's maistah 'ood bowt an ' ,prior ta draw, dems 'a'ed marked each piece o' th' correspondink tombolini i' Tombola's mouf wif eur bitteur mastic (wot Mitch culd feels as 'im wor drawin'.)

Int end, Tombola's maistah won th' chinnywood oil an' nex' daay Tombola rejoicid an' luxooriaturd ter a slappin' good qualitay varnish-roobdaahn.
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Post by Wallace on Fri Nov 13, 2015 3:43 am

Part Three:

Jim Carna pony blew 'issen steam-load roeight daahn inta Tombola's hatch.

Tomboleur almaist gagged an' horkid-oop th' fick cum, bur swallerid instaid - fa fear o' takin' sheen arf 'issen ootside tung-finish.
Nooa ta mentioon fear o' angahin' th' ewil pony.

"Nou,me lad, yew juist 'od on the'ear while yew gits eur roeight guid case o' th' collywobbles, " sez Jim Carna pony.
'im guffed n' gee tomboleur eur kick (so's ta shake-oop th' orffensif muck i' Tombola's stummach an' enshoor oanset o' th' collywobbles.)

"Cork-suckkah!" cursed Tombola, goan red wif shame.
(Bur ainnlay aftah Jim Carna pony wor weel oota 'earin' distaunce.)
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Post by Wallace on Fri Nov 13, 2015 3:48 am

PART FOUR:

Nou (chilluns), dis awl might as may be, bur list oop cos 'ear iss whe'ear me tale gits innerestin':

Ewerray fing ha'ed gone deplorablay bad fer Tombola.
Cork-up in a tin hat, as dems say.
Bur it wor gonneur git warse.
Muckle warse.


Fer yew sees the'ear ha'ed bin an (unseen) witness (oar twa) ter dis ooglay scene:
Nort faar, pairshull hid innae gloaming, BAITH Dingles, th' Clydesdale an' Derek ,th' Garrett Suffolk Punch steam-tractor ha'ed seen awl. (Noo ter menshun Norton der 'obby 'oss, bur Norton wor owd n' senile so's 'im dunt count.)

An' coorantlay dems twa arbsofeckinluterlay bristled wif stiffys!
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Post by Wallace on Fri Nov 13, 2015 3:52 am

PART FIVE:

Th' fact thart ,frum a nearby heddggerow, a mockin'boird wor singin' its wee hert oot did in no-wise obviate th' immediate danger Tombola wor in.



...

Onr dollah for Wallace to continue the tale.
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Post by Wallace on Fri Nov 13, 2015 3:53 am

Shurrup Rudy.

Just shurrup.
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Post by Guest on Fri Nov 13, 2015 4:50 am

A dollar
I ain't gots a dollar !
Tell me what happens to that cunting conniving tombola with the bits of paper that turned into number squares by some mysterious enchantments or I shan't sleep a wink .......... Shocked
I hope this ain't the same tombola as in the last tombola story or there'll be krovvy spilled and it'll be yours. Suspect

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